Emotions are a funny thing. You can be on an upward path to your happy place and then bam some other thanks-but-no-thanks emotion slaps you in the face.
I get that sometimes.
It’s a weird, often times, two-toned feeling. The kind of dual feeling that has you reflecting on your luck and lack of it at the same time. The Alice in Wonderland kind of confusion where you wonder what it really is that your emotions are trying to tell you.
Today I felt jealousy. It hit me right when I woke up and checked good ol’ trusty Facebook. First post was a mutual friend celebrating her pups first birthday today. Immediately I felt a pang. I was cheated from Olive’s first birthday. That was the day from hell. I spent it crying, running her from hospital to hospital, watching her suffer. How unfair that I have that memory on her birthday.
And then the duality of it.
How lucky am I that she made it to her first birthday, how lucky am I to have her past her first birthday? Incredibly lucky. That is the answer. The hard part of it all is not feeling guilty when I feel mad, frustrated, or upset. I am allowed to feel that, that is okay. That is normal. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, that means I’m human.
And more than anything that means I love Olive with every ounce, every thought of my being.
Tail-Waggin Tough 