Sometimes after we have been in a car accident we become hypervigilent, constantly surveying for danger and planning every move tactfully in advanced. As time goes on normalcy returns and we become less tense, more relaxed, at ease. And then, sometimes, we get rear ended, just a little bump, and everything comes rushing back.
About three weeks ago Olive started vomiting bile. It generally occurred every few days initially. I researched causes and consulted with her amazing veterinarian. We tried adding famotidine, increasing feeding times from twice to four times daily, and switching to a new food. Olive progressively became worse to vomiting almost daily and then, one night, not keeping food down.
We scheduled an ultrasound for the next day and when I woke up to take Olive to her appointment I was back at square one managing every fearful emotion from a year ago all over again. I held it together until I got Olive situated in her car seat for the ride to the vet, and then I broke down. I vividly recalled all my emotions on April 1, the fear, despair, helplessness, the dwindling of hope. My mind was playing tricks with me, I feared the worst. By the time I arrived at the clinic I was taking pictures with Olive. I had literally reverted emotionally back to April 1 2014. Realistically what was occurring was nothing like what happened that day, but I couldn’t even go there, I couldn’t rationalize that. I was lost, traveling the wrong path, missing the road.
Olive and I walked into the clinic and our amazing veterinarian who I am blessed to call my friend came out and cuddled Olive. She saw my face and knew what to do, she swept Olive up in her arms and the two of them acted like old friends who hadn’t seen each other in months. I felt a sense of relief. “Today is just a bump, it isn’t a crash, we are still in control.”
Olive had her ultrasound which revealed nothing abnormal with her GI tract but did show some bladder abnormalities so we conducted additional tests and are awaiting results. She has returned to eating and has not vomited today.
Our mind is a wild and oddly intimidating masterpiece. It can help us learn, love, grieve, and it can attempt to protect something that doesn’t need protecting. It sometimes grasps wildly at strands of past concerns and ends up leading to a series of catastrophizing concerns, we become irrational. We hit a bump and end up back at an accident, but unlike before we have been here before and if we stop to think, we can remember the way back home.